So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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