last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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