So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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