and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
