My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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