he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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