She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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