trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
