Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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