Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Fuck appropriateness.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
