we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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