you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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