i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He has the fingertips of a God
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