i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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