You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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