cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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