I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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