I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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