Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
