She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize