Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
