I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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