You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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