I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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