I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
