guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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