Already got asked if we're dating
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
