tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
