remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
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i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
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I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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