Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
