he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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