Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
