you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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