so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
