Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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