I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
