Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
