Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
