This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
