My sheets look like a crime scene.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
