oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
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i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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