just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
