Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
