When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
