if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
