Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
