remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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