and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What drink are we having for lunch?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
