eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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