Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
