I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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