Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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