he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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