she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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