it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
