Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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