I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
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ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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