I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
