you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
