If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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