my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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