so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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