I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
