So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there's paper in my vomit.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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